“Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside!”

A Tour round Bridport 

18/19 September 2004

Team

K1, K2, Dave, JR, Frank, Mike

Are you an Olympic Reject or are you an Olympic Reject-reject?

Provide honest answers to the following carefully devised psychometric test questions to discover the truth? 

For each question choose (a) or (b).

  1. Breakfast

Mike discovers that Tesco do breakfasts.  Do you

(a)    Appreciate the cheap and tasty greasy grub on offer,

(b)   Shun the sanitised environment and search for a genuine greasy spoon? 

  1. Newspapers

 Tesco have a good choice of newspapers; the Sun or The Times.  Do you

(a)    Opt for car conversation and boycott the Murdoch products,

(b)   Stuff the morals; buy a paper anyway?

  1. Accommodation

 The Bull Inn is a rather ramshackle old coaching inn where many rooms are not quite modern.  Do you

(a)    Imagine that you have a shower, phone and flat screen TV next to your double bed,

(b)   Complain that the bath is dirty?

  1. Large Woolly Mammals

 What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

(a)    A buffalo does not comprise adequate en-suite toilet facilities.

(b)   Nothing – they’re two different names for the same large hoofed animal. 

  1. Santiago Calatrava

 The fire escape is architect-designed, featuring very slim but highly aesthetic columns.  Do you

(a)    Appreciate the considerable lateral restraint, preventing buckling of these slender struts,

(b)   Panic and contact the Health and Safety Executive? 

  1. Cream Teas

You’ve arrived in Seaton and are seeking some solid sustenance.  Do you

(a)    Scoff a large bowl of warm bread-and-butter pudding with both clotted and ice cream from a seaside kiosk,

(b)   Ride off in search of a traditional cream tea in more gentile surroundings? 

  1. Lyme

 Lyme Regis is a traditional cycling Mecca.  Do you

(a)    Enjoy the descent into town and, in a masochistic sort of way, enjoy the climb out; it precedes a further descent where you can approach 55 mph and frighten yourself,

(b)   Search for a route that avoids the hazardous Lyme climb.

  1. Massage

One wonders whether the Bull includes ‘massage’ as a basic service.  Is one referring to

(a)    A ‘proper’ massage to remove lactic from overcycled muscles and to restore head rotation on stiffened necks,

(b)   A rub down with the Sporting Life from a smuggled Albanian? 

  1. Home-cooked Nosh

You by-pass the Bridport Kebab and forgo the traditional Dorset Ruby in favour of some well-spoken-of home-cooked fodder.  The vegetable soup morphs into celery soup and the mixed vegetables become a plate of chips.  Do you

(a)    Appreciate this gastronomic surprise as the spice of life,

(b)   Complain of lack of formality and information?

  1. Arrers

 The quality of your darts continues a long and steady decline.  Do you

(a)    Blame the equipment and persevere, because you know those 180s and big finishes are just one game away,

(b)   Give up darts for a less energetic pass-time?

  1. Animal Noises

Some mature fellow residents of the Bull are spotted, returning to the hostelry making a variety of ‘animal noises’, specialising in mewling cats.  Are you

(a)    Happy that this is a quite rational response to a night on the sauce in Bridport,

(b)   Worried that the Bull is an asylum?

  1. Self-repairing Punctures

You have a slow front wheel puncture requiring regular re-pumping.  You are

(a)    Convinced that this is a Saturday-only puncture and will self-repair overnight for a solid ride on Sunday,

(b)   Sensible, repairing the puncture in the comfort of the Bull’s bedroom? 

  1. Bicycle Maintenance

Your tyres have done less than 10,000 miles and therefore warrant only a cursory pre-tour inspection.  They seem absolutely fine except a minor patch where the rear tyre is mildly ‘de-rubberised’; no major concern there!  On the tour you have simultaneous front/rear punctures and eventually exhaust the Team’s total supply of inner-tubes.  You are

(a)    Sanguine, happy that the puncture repair time provides a beneficial rest, pump arm exercise, and a chance for polite conversation,

(b)   Embarrassed, promising not to let it happen again?

  1. Palaeontology

Palaeontology is the old rock and roll!  Under Mike’s expert tutelage the Team have become enthusiastic palaeontologists.  Washed out of the highly fossiliferous Burton Bradstock Jurassic sandstone, the Team, surprisingly rapidly, discover a number of large, if slightly worn, fossilised ammonites.  Should Mike

(a)    Congratulate these apprentice geologists on their significant ‘finds’, and contact the natural history museum,

(b)   Unkindly, dismiss these ‘finds’ as a load of cobble(r)s.

  1. Early Coffee

 You have cycled a grand total of three miles; the sun is shining and the sea is enticing (but not too much!).  Do you

(a)    Stop for a coffee as a reward for the early effort, giving time for the self-repairing puncture to deflate,

(b)   Press on because three miles is just plain pathetic?

  1. Kiss me Hardy

 The Hardy Monument is a mythic location for cyclists, bearing historic and spiritual significance; unfortunately it’s also at the top of a very steep hill.  Should you

(a)    Visit this icon and take time to enjoy the panorama,

(b)   Press on because there’s little point to views?

  1. Pickled Onions

 Your concentration is wavering following the ascent of Hardy.  You feel an accident is imminent.  Should you

(a)    Stab your pickled onion with gusto and somersault your cantilevered plate of ploughmans on to the pub floor,

(b)   Eat your dinner quietly and politely, subsequently causing a major pile-up in the peloton due to continued lack of concentration?

  1. Kites

 Late in the day you discover a hill with steepness to rival Lyme and Hardy.  Do you

(a)    Ascend this gradient with enthusiasm, to enjoy a kite festival and a brilliant view,

(b)   Press on, avoiding the hill, because pointless kites and views merely delay the return home?

  1. Navigation

 Your novice navigator appears to have set a reasonable route and forecast the mileage with 1% precision.  Do you

(a)    Say little, except maybe suggesting the appropriateness of a newer map and technology more modern than dividers,

(b)   Thank the novice for his sterling efforts?

  1. Olympic Spirit

In the past you’ve been the Leader, setting tough routes and long mileage.  You’ve sprinted off the front of the peloton and crested many peaks alone.  You’ve introduced your own local team, silent assassins to up the pace and minimise rest time. You’re the solo hard man, the true pro.  Frankly, now you’re knackered; you’ve undertrained, your muscles atrophied, you’ve got a hangover, you’re ill, you haven’t slept well, only one leg is working.  Your bike’s old and poorly maintained, you’ve had numerous punctures and you’ve just crashed and ‘removed some bark’.  This isn’t funny; it’s cold and wet and your other leg is packing up.  You’re well off the pace and not sure if you’re long for this world.  You have a dream:

(a)    Derek Redmond, hamstrung, limping home to finish the Olympic course.  There’s Shackleton, Hilary, The Few, the will to endure, to face the hard road, the Corinthian spirit, this sceptered isle.......

(b)   Paula, a professional winner; the gold’s gone; back to the comfy sofa, count your money and think of excuses.

Scoring:

For Questions 1 to 19 score +1 point for answer (a) and 0 points for answer (b)

For Question 20 score +5 points for answer (a) and -5 points for answer (b)

Conclusions:

Score 17 to 25           You have the necessary profile to be an Olympic Reject

Score 9 to 16             You need to get out more, preferably to licensed premises

Score -5 to 8              Be frank, you’re a potential Reject-reject.  Time for (a) sports psychology or 
(b) beslippered indoor bowls.

 

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